A stirred mixture of a new friend, coming of age, current project, and emotions. I've been feeling very gurgly inside. I guess I'm blurred within this fine line of the longing of companionship and giving things a chance. I know what I want, that's for sure, but knowing what I want is my problem a majority of the time. Especially when it comes to meeting a new guy, I've been trying to be more open to differences and testing out an array of different personalities.
This one is a nice guy, with a facade of the innocent type, but we all know guys are not innocent. No matter what. This stands true. So, with that said, he is a "nice" guy. It's been 4 or 5 dates now, and we have not slept together yet. Which is weird in the sense that he hasn't tried anything. Well, I guess the last guy it was about the same, but completely different personality so that's weird to me too. He was the more aggressive but yet passionate. This one is more passive, I guess you could say? I did say in a tipsy state that I don't sleep with someone for a while... meaning a month? Which I don't even think I truly meant, in that mindset I was probably throwing that out there or testing it out. He is very respectful, which I'm not sure if I'm mad about or happy about. I mean yes, of course that is a thing to be happy for, but I want someone to fight or at least try, I guess show that that I'm wanted? I don't know, it's still hard to gauge. I feel like I am the more dominate one when it comes to decisions or maybe he just doesn't want to hang out as much as I do. I really want him to cut his hair. That's very superficial of me to say, but everyone thinks it.
Well, off of the ranting. What I was steering to explain was about my fine line of what I want. This is what I want: A guy who is a little aggressive, passionate, silly, cute, manly, takes care of me, genuinely interested in me and what I do... so in the back of my head I guess these are all the things I don't see in him right now, so maybe that's a sign not to pick at it. Let it happen. See what he does this week. If not, I can let it go for someone who will be constantly thinking of me. It's been a couple of dates now and I am comfortable, but I want someone who is a little louder and can carry on with witty banter. I don't know if he's laughing with me or at me, or thinks I'm silly or what not. I don't know. He said he's been in love before, and I wonder who and how that girl was in comparison to me. So interesting. Also someone passionate about something. I can't seem to find what he's most passionate about, maybe I'm just not asking. Well he's not even asking me about my exhibit, I guess cause I've only really mentioned it once. So if there is a next time, I can bring that up. We'll see. I'm definitely confused. I think he's a little awkward, but me being the person who sees good to people and gives them chances, this is what I'm doing. I guess it's bad if I keep having to take another date to decide if I truly do like him or not. That usually should mean that you don't. Obviously, when drinks have been drank things are more interesting. I'm pretty much the same, but he gets more talkative and touchy feely, otherwise sober, it's kind of weird? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW! AH! I guess I'm just more worried about the scrutiny that will come from my friends.
I bet he hasn't even told his friends about me. I think a lot of my friends know. UGH. I'm done with all this thinking. I just gotta let it all happen. Let it happen. Let it fall, let it fall. Probably should go to bed, maybe it will be easier to sort out there. We'll see if he even texts this week. He will probably have a booked weekend trying to catch up for the last one he missed. Whatever, more time to work. I need to focus my energy somewhere else. It will come. I see so many cute boys everywhere, everyday, maybe they're a better match. I need that match. I can't just take everything that falls into my lap. Have to make wiser decisions. There are more out there in the sea. Don't worry. I'm only 22.
For a 22y.o. I think I have a great head on my shoulders thus far. Which is a good mentality because I like and tend to date guys who are 31, hah. So I'm ready for whichever age, I'm ready, but are they? I feel like at that age it's such a toss up to date someone my age. I may not seem that young? but what if they're looking to settle down, I would just be a second option to them. Sure, I'm a great girl, but I've got many years ahead of me for playtime, and they don't. Which leads to the dilemma of, I, being the "other" girl with older men. I think it's not fair, but punched in the calculator it makes sense. Gotta deal with it, pay my dues. That's the thing about 31y.o. they don't take me seriously since I'm so young. We both know I'm not the typical youngin' but, it all comes back to the number. That's what gives the leeway.
exhausted. continuation tomorrow.
NOTE: I just read the previous post. That was probably only days before meeting my new friend. How crazy and fast do things happen. It's lovely to think of the year's compilation of lovers... then think 'WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING'?
