ithinkofyouincolorsthatdontexist

It's funny how I've started this blog a little bit over a year ago. All topics running the same course, but this entry, a different guy. Not new, just never discussed. The aroma of the autumn air confirms and reminds me of all the same feelings that I'm feeling this year from last's. This time of year around these same months the same occurrence seems to be forming into this pattern.

July, set up by a mutual friend-- here lies twenty-three and thirty-two(almost thirty-three) year olds. Hit it off on the first date. Fast forward to October. Haven't spoke to him in three days, all weekend. Our friend messages me and asks if I've heard from him-- nope. "He was in another bike accident and went to the hospital. Face was all stitched up and damage to his neck and back." This is his third accident I think. Last summer shattered his leg which he's still recovering from.

In her words... "if he's being a douche, ignore him and let him realize he's being a douche". She's right. Why hang on it, if I'm not totally attached. Things like this just get to me. I hate being the one to be dumped, I like having control. The thing we have the strongest is sexual chemistry. That's what I wanted to commit to, I was happy with that, then after one week, my mind started to wander. After two weeks, I had the mentality-- "Fuck it! There's so many other fishes in the sea!". After a couple days in this state of mind, I hear this news. What do I do? Was he honestly just super busy? Or was he just being a complete douche, like she said. She said she's not seeing anyone else, just likes to party too much. I guess he's making up for all the days in college he never partied. He didn't start drinking til he was done with college. He still needs to grow up I guess. He finds the same people his age, in the same boat of who just like to party. Even though every other aspect he's a respectable man, so you would think!

I really thought that this time, I was a little closer. I knew for me it wasn't, but I guess I was just stretching it out too thin. It's time has ended. Is this situation a test, or the sign of where it should end. Let's take this two ways. A. It's a test: testing how much I care. How far I would go to make sure he's alright? Does he deserve it? Or does he even expect me to care that way at all anyways? B. A sign it should end-- since I already haven't seen him in two weeks, this is even more time I won't see him. He either won't want me to see him all vulnerable and bashed up, I mean I wouldn't want anyone to come and see me. But if he really did care, he wouldn't care. Let him think, he's being a douche and we can go our separate ways. If I run into him, fine.

Was Nina, just being nice? "you can get any guy you want". What a cliche thing to say, but maybe it's true. I don't deserve that shit. I put up with it and I shouldn't. There are so many other guys out there, that I can share a stronger connection with. It really isn't worth trying anymore. This weather was refreshing, and the smell of a new change. Feelings are different. I will at least have the decency to try and call to see if he's alright. He probably won't be able to pick up, be drugged up or even want to talk to anyone.

Feeling so weird right now.

Yah. Wheni'mwithyouihavefun.

Cannot. My mamma told me there would be boys like you.

Is this going against my whole new outlook theory on, how I project things and create these thoughts composed of atoms? That this is how they will be created and released into the world? I am on the fence. I choose to think that these feelings will never be reciprocated due to I'm not the one who is good enough or his 'type'. But in all aspects I think I am all of that.

How is it that we share the same wavelength? I know, my best friend knows, not to invest these feelings in this person. So maybe that's a sign. If things happen, then they do. BAH.

Confused all around. I'm crazy. Seriously am. There's no stopping it.

It's crazy that the world, no matter how hardass you are, are looking for that one common innate thing.... to be loved. It is everyone's kryptonite. That is slowly coming to me. It never even crossed my mind until recently. I was just one to think that, love within men was non-existent. When in reality, they're even worse. I take this into observation while watching couples, and it's very endearing. Even chatting with my close guy friends, their weakness is unleashed. I am slowly softened. It's enlightening. Now that I look back on past 'whatevers' it's true to the extent. You can call me naive or maybe I'm just oblivious to these feelings men have at capacity.

I know I've always had deep feelings on love, but would create the facade as tough steel. As I was younger, I would want someone who was hard as well and didn't share his feelings. That badass factor. But during my 'trial and experiencing' phase this past summer, I realized that I am quite the opposite. I want a guy to share his feelings (obviously not to the point where he is so sensitive), but it makes my heart melt. I told my best friend, and in agreeance we did this together, since we were both men in relationships. We let our guard down. Be open to new things, and just feel them before X'ing them out completely. It felt great, until I was crushed. Nonetheless, I learned one more thing that I want and don't want. Another problem yet amazing thing about dating significantly older men. Well at my age, anyways. I am a 22-year-old but act a lot older. But when said a 22y.o. and 31y.o would not be approved of really. I think of my older cousins whom I've very close to, if I KNEW they were dating a 22y.o. I would be pissed. WHAT-THE-FUCK-GROSS. So it all makes sense. I felt that I was and am the exception.

Then again, these men are older and may want to settle down, and I am not there. I do want to settle down, but I do have a good 8-1o years before I want to take that word to the extent of having children. For them, this is a time of having fun but then this next relationship is going to last them a couple years, because that's

My friend and I were talking last night, and at this point he melts my heart already, but brought up a thought. I sent him a song in response to his, and he said "it was tugging his heart strings" I know the saying, but at this point that's all that has been happening. What if it really were a physical condition when you fell for someone. He said "what if you had to call out of work, cause you met a girl and your heart strings were broken?" What if. I said I'd be in the repair shop all the time. I NEED to stop pretending to live in this world of fantasy. It's all so silly.

Poe Would Know... 'Cause I Don't.

Currently in an oblivion.

A stirred mixture of a new friend, coming of age, current project, and emotions. I've been feeling very gurgly inside. I guess I'm blurred within this fine line of the longing of companionship and giving things a chance. I know what I want, that's for sure, but knowing what I want is my problem a majority of the time. Especially when it comes to meeting a new guy, I've been trying to be more open to differences and testing out an array of different personalities.

This one is a nice guy, with a facade of the innocent type, but we all know guys are not innocent. No matter what. This stands true. So, with that said, he is a "nice" guy. It's been 4 or 5 dates now, and we have not slept together yet. Which is weird in the sense that he hasn't tried anything. Well, I guess the last guy it was about the same, but completely different personality so that's weird to me too. He was the more aggressive but yet passionate. This one is more passive, I guess you could say? I did say in a tipsy state that I don't sleep with someone for a while... meaning a month? Which I don't even think I truly meant, in that mindset I was probably throwing that out there or testing it out. He is very respectful, which I'm not sure if I'm mad about or happy about. I mean yes, of course that is a thing to be happy for, but I want someone to fight or at least try, I guess show that that I'm wanted? I don't know, it's still hard to gauge. I feel like I am the more dominate one when it comes to decisions or maybe he just doesn't want to hang out as much as I do. I really want him to cut his hair. That's very superficial of me to say, but everyone thinks it.

Well, off of the ranting. What I was steering to explain was about my fine line of what I want. This is what I want: A guy who is a little aggressive, passionate, silly, cute, manly, takes care of me, genuinely interested in me and what I do... so in the back of my head I guess these are all the things I don't see in him right now, so maybe that's a sign not to pick at it. Let it happen. See what he does this week. If not, I can let it go for someone who will be constantly thinking of me. It's been a couple of dates now and I am comfortable, but I want someone who is a little louder and can carry on with witty banter. I don't know if he's laughing with me or at me, or thinks I'm silly or what not. I don't know. He said he's been in love before, and I wonder who and how that girl was in comparison to me. So interesting. Also someone passionate about something. I can't seem to find what he's most passionate about, maybe I'm just not asking. Well he's not even asking me about my exhibit, I guess cause I've only really mentioned it once. So if there is a next time, I can bring that up. We'll see. I'm definitely confused. I think he's a little awkward, but me being the person who sees good to people and gives them chances, this is what I'm doing. I guess it's bad if I keep having to take another date to decide if I truly do like him or not. That usually should mean that you don't. Obviously, when drinks have been drank things are more interesting. I'm pretty much the same, but he gets more talkative and touchy feely, otherwise sober, it's kind of weird? I don't know. I DON'T KNOW! AH! I guess I'm just more worried about the scrutiny that will come from my friends.

I bet he hasn't even told his friends about me. I think a lot of my friends know. UGH. I'm done with all this thinking. I just gotta let it all happen. Let it happen. Let it fall, let it fall. Probably should go to bed, maybe it will be easier to sort out there. We'll see if he even texts this week. He will probably have a booked weekend trying to catch up for the last one he missed. Whatever, more time to work. I need to focus my energy somewhere else. It will come. I see so many cute boys everywhere, everyday, maybe they're a better match. I need that match. I can't just take everything that falls into my lap. Have to make wiser decisions. There are more out there in the sea. Don't worry. I'm only 22.

For a 22y.o. I think I have a great head on my shoulders thus far. Which is a good mentality because I like and tend to date guys who are 31, hah. So I'm ready for whichever age, I'm ready, but are they? I feel like at that age it's such a toss up to date someone my age. I may not seem that young? but what if they're looking to settle down, I would just be a second option to them. Sure, I'm a great girl, but I've got many years ahead of me for playtime, and they don't. Which leads to the dilemma of, I, being the "other" girl with older men. I think it's not fair, but punched in the calculator it makes sense. Gotta deal with it, pay my dues. That's the thing about 31y.o. they don't take me seriously since I'm so young. We both know I'm not the typical youngin' but, it all comes back to the number. That's what gives the leeway.

exhausted. continuation tomorrow.

NOTE: I just read the previous post. That was probably only days before meeting my new friend. How crazy and fast do things happen. It's lovely to think of the year's compilation of lovers... then think 'WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING'?