It's funny how I've started this blog a little bit over a year ago. All topics running the same course, but this entry, a different guy. Not new, just never discussed. The aroma of the autumn air confirms and reminds me of all the same feelings that I'm feeling this year from last's. This time of year around these same months the same occurrence seems to be forming into this pattern.
July, set up by a mutual friend-- here lies twenty-three and thirty-two(almost thirty-three) year olds. Hit it off on the first date. Fast forward to October. Haven't spoke to him in three days, all weekend. Our friend messages me and asks if I've heard from him-- nope. "He was in another bike accident and went to the hospital. Face was all stitched up and damage to his neck and back." This is his third accident I think. Last summer shattered his leg which he's still recovering from.
In her words... "if he's being a douche, ignore him and let him realize he's being a douche". She's right. Why hang on it, if I'm not totally attached. Things like this just get to me. I hate being the one to be dumped, I like having control. The thing we have the strongest is sexual chemistry. That's what I wanted to commit to, I was happy with that, then after one week, my mind started to wander. After two weeks, I had the mentality-- "Fuck it! There's so many other fishes in the sea!". After a couple days in this state of mind, I hear this news. What do I do? Was he honestly just super busy? Or was he just being a complete douche, like she said. She said she's not seeing anyone else, just likes to party too much. I guess he's making up for all the days in college he never partied. He didn't start drinking til he was done with college. He still needs to grow up I guess. He finds the same people his age, in the same boat of who just like to party. Even though every other aspect he's a respectable man, so you would think!
I really thought that this time, I was a little closer. I knew for me it wasn't, but I guess I was just stretching it out too thin. It's time has ended. Is this situation a test, or the sign of where it should end. Let's take this two ways. A. It's a test: testing how much I care. How far I would go to make sure he's alright? Does he deserve it? Or does he even expect me to care that way at all anyways? B. A sign it should end-- since I already haven't seen him in two weeks, this is even more time I won't see him. He either won't want me to see him all vulnerable and bashed up, I mean I wouldn't want anyone to come and see me. But if he really did care, he wouldn't care. Let him think, he's being a douche and we can go our separate ways. If I run into him, fine.
Was Nina, just being nice? "you can get any guy you want". What a cliche thing to say, but maybe it's true. I don't deserve that shit. I put up with it and I shouldn't. There are so many other guys out there, that I can share a stronger connection with. It really isn't worth trying anymore. This weather was refreshing, and the smell of a new change. Feelings are different. I will at least have the decency to try and call to see if he's alright. He probably won't be able to pick up, be drugged up or even want to talk to anyone.
Feeling so weird right now.
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