Is this going against my whole new outlook theory on, how I project things and create these thoughts composed of atoms? That this is how they will be created and released into the world? I am on the fence. I choose to think that these feelings will never be reciprocated due to I'm not the one who is good enough or his 'type'. But in all aspects I think I am all of that.
How is it that we share the same wavelength? I know, my best friend knows, not to invest these feelings in this person. So maybe that's a sign. If things happen, then they do. BAH.
Confused all around. I'm crazy. Seriously am. There's no stopping it.
It's crazy that the world, no matter how hardass you are, are looking for that one common innate thing.... to be loved. It is everyone's kryptonite. That is slowly coming to me. It never even crossed my mind until recently. I was just one to think that, love within men was non-existent. When in reality, they're even worse. I take this into observation while watching couples, and it's very endearing. Even chatting with my close guy friends, their weakness is unleashed. I am slowly softened. It's enlightening. Now that I look back on past 'whatevers' it's true to the extent. You can call me naive or maybe I'm just oblivious to these feelings men have at capacity.
I know I've always had deep feelings on love, but would create the facade as tough steel. As I was younger, I would want someone who was hard as well and didn't share his feelings. That badass factor. But during my 'trial and experiencing' phase this past summer, I realized that I am quite the opposite. I want a guy to share his feelings (obviously not to the point where he is so sensitive), but it makes my heart melt. I told my best friend, and in agreeance we did this together, since we were both men in relationships. We let our guard down. Be open to new things, and just feel them before X'ing them out completely. It felt great, until I was crushed. Nonetheless, I learned one more thing that I want and don't want. Another problem yet amazing thing about dating significantly older men. Well at my age, anyways. I am a 22-year-old but act a lot older. But when said a 22y.o. and 31y.o would not be approved of really. I think of my older cousins whom I've very close to, if I KNEW they were dating a 22y.o. I would be pissed. WHAT-THE-FUCK-GROSS. So it all makes sense. I felt that I was and am the exception.
Then again, these men are older and may want to settle down, and I am not there. I do want to settle down, but I do have a good 8-1o years before I want to take that word to the extent of having children. For them, this is a time of having fun but then this next relationship is going to last them a couple years, because that's
My friend and I were talking last night, and at this point he melts my heart already, but brought up a thought. I sent him a song in response to his, and he said "it was tugging his heart strings" I know the saying, but at this point that's all that has been happening. What if it really were a physical condition when you fell for someone. He said "what if you had to call out of work, cause you met a girl and your heart strings were broken?" What if. I said I'd be in the repair shop all the time. I NEED to stop pretending to live in this world of fantasy. It's all so silly.
